I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
