Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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