I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
