i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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