I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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