Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
