What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
