God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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