i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
