How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize