Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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