I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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