I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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