Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
