He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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