census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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