I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
