here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
