it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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