I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize