I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
