If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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