he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
