I hate your face
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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