I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
