I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
