shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
