the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
