A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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