Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
