Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
