You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm getting married
To pizza
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
