Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
