I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
