Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
