I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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