apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
