i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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