apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
