Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you traded sex for a burrito?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The air taste purple.
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