I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize