something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
