fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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