i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
