dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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