I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw a hot homeless man
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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