Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
