What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
