im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there's paper in my vomit.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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