my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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