Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
