as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
