My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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