we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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