I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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