My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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