Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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