I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
